My last message to... Whoever

Yes you did again...

I know you have been coming to talk to me and make mockery of me all the time. You used to say that I was playing with your feelings and all I wanted was go on chatting with you just for having fun.

No. I didn't. All I wanted was being by your side... You, the owner of that voice who talked to me on the phone, that I love so much. Because you the owners of the "faces", I dont know who you are and it doesn't matter anymore.

Then I know you came to talk to me sometimes on hangouts, but always disguised, as you are used to live: pretending you are another person... I know you did. But just to make mockery of me, and to confuse me, just for revenge, because you shall hate me very hard,  and because you knew I would get crazy, as you used to say I am, and you got it. But although you wanted to play with me and make me confuse about all that mess, what you did was very good for me, because I can't hold anymore...

I am very tired of loving you, of not being able to forget you, of feeling that maybe you are there on g+ watching all my movements...Maybe you are not. Maybe my head has constructed this idea...My obsession maybe? I know nothing anymore...

My heart was quiet. I did not forget you but I was being able to go on posting and talking on hangouts with some virtual friends... Many of them I have blocked, but some talk to me with respect and like a real friend... But then all those coincidences...will it be? I don't know...

So I decided: And I don't wanna  play this game anymore. I have no more age for that... I am so tired...I want peace of mind...

I said here that all I wanted was to hear your voice once more... Then, somebody came to talk to me and this is part of our conversation:

Saturday, November 1, 2014 6:46 PM

f...

Hello dear your profile is worth a million glance can i be a friend ?

Denise

Sure You can 

Welcome!

f...

wow thanks so much for that

My name is f... from Oklahoma united state i work with US military presently here in  Kabul Afghanistan for  peacekeeping mission and you?

note: very interesting... the same story I told you about other scammers who came to talk to me...where you testing me? But I thought this was one of those stupid scammers that sometimes still come to talk to me and I pretended I did not realize...    

Denise

I am Denise from Brasil, nutritionist 2 adult kids. a widow for some years, and nowadays in a relationship. Not married.

f...

thanks so much for accepting me as a friend i really appreciate

Denise

you are welcome my friend. If you want to talk sometimes... I just don't video chat ok? 

f...

ok dear

if you don't mind can i ask you something?

Denise

yes sure

f...

what can a friend like me do to always put a smile on your face whenever you are online to talk to me?

Denise

I have always a smile on my face dear. If we are friends we must be true to each other. Just that. I am tired of liers and people who live to cheat. And nowadays I have been on line all day unless on all weekends. We can talk whenever I am here. 

But... do you have a face?

The face you see here is me

Who are you faceless friend? 

f...

wow you are so beautiful dear

Denise 

thank you...but I am not that beautiful...

f...

smile

 I have a daughter she is 17 years old her name is Anity    

i lost my wife 5 years back in a car crash

note: OMG! His wife died in a car crash!!! 

Denise 

Oh this is bad

Never married again?

f...

i just promised myself to stay single for now

Denise

why? don't you miss somebody to love?

f...

smile 

why did you ask?

Denise

because everybody does

And I feel happy that I am in love even not being loved back. For me it's very important to have my heart always beating for someone as I have now....

f...

smile

you are worth to call a friend and i believe that a friends worth is in your hope i'm right?

i just wish that i can hear your cool, sexy, charming voice deep down my head

Denise

how can you say I have cool, sexy, and charming voice? Don't you think you may be wrong???

f...

lol

that i believe 

Denise

Ohhh so you are a believer. That's good! I am one too...and I bet you have strong but soft voice... am I right?

f...

if you don't mind send me your phone number

Denise

I don't mind but you know I have a boy friend...and very jealous. And now I am going to the movies. Would you mind if we talk other time? We can exchange our phone numbers and if you have whatsapp we can talk there too. I have to confesss I liked very much to talk to you. And I hope we can talk other times and even to make a phone call so you and I can be sure about our voices...

f...

thanks so much for that 

please just send me your phone number and I promise to call you (note: I did not ask you to call me here...I had said before in a text I posted here that I wish I could hear your voice again even for a second...)

Denise

I would like also to see your face. No need to be now but next time we talk. May I??? 

Pleasure to talk to you

Hope you have a nice day? night?. Hope you have always peaceful days and that God bless you...always...

Hugs

My phone number.... 55 21 9.....

f...

sorry i did not ask where are you from?

Denise

I am from Rio de Janeiro. BRASIL

See you....

Bye for now (note: like a fool I still love those words...)

Kisses

On your cheeks :))

Sunday, November 2, 2014 2:57 PM

note: after some texts kind of Control C  Control V...

f...

ok

why i was asking all that is because I can't change your past with all its heartache and pain, nor the future with its untold stories hope i'm right?

Denise

what heartache you are talking about?

f...

your past

I can always be there now when you need me to care. I can't keep your feet from stumbling. I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

do you know what my mum told me about friendship?

Denise

Please tell me. Your mom still alive?

f...

yes

Denise

tell me what she says

f...

she told me that a friend in need is a friend indeed

Denise 

beautiful dear

but I am not a person in need to have a friend to tell him my pains. 

I told you, I am well with myself and with my heart broken...

but my heart is quieter now

f...

heart broken

???

Denise

yes somebody I still have stuck on my heart

But this is past

He vanished and I am ok

f...

why what happened

Denise

Ohhh It's a long story...

May I tell you some other time?

f...

dear you can tell me now i am all yours

note:then you linked THIS SONG!!!

stuck on you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1drFiNiw50

Denise

yes I know this song...

I made a video myself with this song...

f...

smile

note: you just smiled and no more comments. Laughing at me... the video I did for you with this song...

and then another song

the strenght of a woman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mILsx_c-vXw

note: what? The strenght of a woman? But I have to confess I did not listen to this one. I was listening today. So after rereading our conversation, and listening to this song I got sure you were here talking to me...

Denise

Never heard this one

I am going to listen later ok?

f...

you are just to beautiful to be you dear

note: you strangely said that and linked this song below that I have to confess I did not listen to it all... again...

you'll be in my heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxjapzOk1DU&list=PLMufE2NSPYOwPlJnRYtW-blFK4zr5W2K6

Denise

I am just too beautiful to be me??? Could you please "translate" it for me

I mean explain me better

f...

smile

the last song i sent to you will explain better

note:with those words you were laughing at me but as I did not listen to the song I did not relize it, and like a fool I said:

Denise

ohh ok thank you

f...

hope you understand now?

note: I had not listen so... I had not understood...but I said:

Denise

beautiful...

thank you...

f...

any time you need a friend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Li6vpAMmfw0&list=PLzV_uqPqPQVq-SnkkeXjAa7Li2ENqDKSU

hope you will do that dear?

note: with this song above you were teasing me because you are sure I have abandoned you...

Denise

Lets begin with:

What kind of music you like?

f...

smile

blues and you?

Denise

no way

really???

f...

smile (note: always laughing at me) 

Denise

not worth like this

you have seen my profile...

what more you know about me???

let me tell you

I have a cat girl, and have to give her some food

can you give me 5 min?

come right back ok?

f...

ok baby i will always wait for you (note: teasing me 

right?)

Denise 

thanks 

I am back

tell me one song you like

are you there?

f...

yes baby

Denise

tell me

one song you like

f...

Lionel Richie - All Night Long

Denise

this is not blue...it's dancing...

f...

do you know that song i'm talking about

Denise 

all night long??? yes dear

I know it

not blues

f...

can you sing it for me?

Denise

hahaha

no I can't. I can sing for you...."Hello" by Lionel 
Ritchie too

I love it

f...

all night long

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqAvFx3NxUM&spfreload=10

Denise

Yeah! Nice song!

f...

just for you and i dear

note: kind of reggae right? How fool I was never realizing...You love reggae...
And you laughing at me all the time

Denise

thanks

f...

how is tonight going to be like within you and i dear?

Denise

meaning....?

you are so far...

how can we have a night together?

f...

I believe someday and somehow 

when  do you want me to come over to your country to see you?

Denise

come now...then you can hold me tight and kiss me, and....

I want you now

Can you come?(note: just kidding...)

f...

smile

you always put a smile on my face each 
time I'm with you(you used to tell me that all the time, although I know it's a cliché of scammers...)
how did you learn that?

Denise

I feel good when I do that...

but it's not on purpose

I have never learned that

f...

do you watch the Olympics?

Denise

Yes 

why?

tell me

what sport you most like???

f...

Most people like to watch the Olympics, because they only happen once every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special like you only happens once in a lifetime

note: laughing at me all the time...I can feel you hate me very deep...

f...

what did you eat today?

Denise

nothing...I want to starve...

f...

why?

Denise

just kidding...

f...

why do you want to hot yourself?

Denise

I am a nutritionist dear

I eat only healthy food

how about you?

what do you like to eat?

f...

just waiting for your own food dear

Denise

what?

you want to eat me?

f...

smile

do you really know how to cook?

note: I never told you here I knew how to cook... I told you about that when we used to talk in the past...

Denise

I am not a cooker... I am a nutritionist. But I cook good

do you cook?

you never tell me anything about you!!!!

I asked you what kind of food you like. Could you pleeeease tell me dear???

f...

i know how to cook very well 

Denise

what would you cook for me?

f...

dont worry i will cook something nice for you when we see each other

when are you going to come online tomorrow?

Denise

when do you want me to be online?

for you to tell me more about you with your heart opened, and make me fall for you

tell me the time

I will be here

f...

smile

are you falling for me?

Denise

who knows??? Life is so full of surprises!!!

note: I was still thinking this was a scammer but  not you...

f...

smile 

not so fast

Denise

night night dear

f...

you'll be in my heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=git6DCXSqjE&list=RDgit6DCXSqjE#t=0

note: Then you left this link with the same song


you linked in the beginning when you said that 


I was just too beautiful to be me and also said 


that I would understand after listening to the 


music.

But this time the song is by Phil Collins and 


have lyrics, so you were quite sure I would 


understand.

I began to listen to it later, and got completely 

astonished with the... coincidence???


Who was this mysterious man here? If he were 


not you, for sure was somebody who knew a lot 


about ourselves and was here talking to me 


just for having fun... 

Denise

thanks dear

I love this song....

By the way

f...

smile

note:you laughing at me again...

Denise

nothing

let it be

sweet dreams

bye dear

AFTER THAT, YOU VANISHED... AGAIN...
LEAVING ME HERE LIKE CRAZY TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS THIS WEIRD CONVERSATION, WHO CAME TO TALK TO ME JUST TO LET ME MISS YOU MORE AND FEEL MORE CONFUSE...

So on november 4th I received a call from an unknown number on the number I gave to you that is my second chip. But I did not pick up the phone. I was so afraid it was really you...  The principal number is the one we used to talk in the past that of course you don't have anymore.

That's it Whoever. I don't want to play this game anymore. I am not even sure if this one is really you...

You have no idea about what I feel for you...It's so hard, and I go on feeling such a pain... And I am very used of feeling pain, even though I maintain all my joy...

And that's life...

And I feel I need right now to do something for 

myself , not to get completely crazy because of you...

From the bottom of my heart I wish I was able to know if you are ok, if you are happy and healthy.
And I hope you are ok. And hope you have someone you love and who loves you and takes care of you.

BUT AS I POSTED ON MY PROFILE...

FACING THIS HUGE QUESTION MARK THAT IS

MY  FUTURE , I REFORMULATED MY BELIEFS : 

I AM GIVING ME THE RIGHT TO NOT THINK SO 

MUCH , TO CHARGE ME STILL LESS,  AND LEAVE

SOME THINGS TO, MAYBE, UNDERSTAND 

LATER ...

I QUIT WRESTLING THE BOAT , AND DECIDED

TO ADMIRE THE LANDSCAPE... 

I love you baby... Take care... God bless you

Denise Morcillo

CHEERS BABY

BE HAPPY

The same foolish crazy love

I always thought that love was something of who had nothing better to do and that I was feeling it because of my quiet life. Just for that. 
Then I decided to stir my quiet life. And I started to go more outdoors , seeing people around me, more travel, more parties... 
Love is something of quiet people and now I had a busy life, would finally send that love away... 
Bye foolish feeling!
Nothing done. Only got worse. I woke up and went to sleep with him on my mind. I was unresigned. 
But then I concluded: Love is something for who has available  time to think about it. Of course, even being busy with my work, I used to stay at home the whole weekend, claiming tiredness, in the silence of my stuff, and of course thinking bullshit. That story about an "unoccupied mind is the Devil's House" , you know? Devil's Love! Then I went looking for praying...
After praying for many days to forget him, I thought everything would be fine. Got nothing. I just stopped dreaming that I would put fire in his apartment and that I would tore the eyes of all women in the world. But perhaps I stopped... hating love. 
But love actually stayed here, into my heart. As hard as a stone.
"It is a Teenage love", I wondered... 
If I become a "woman",  this silly love will finish. Love of silly "girl". Then I tried to become a "woman"... Maybe changing my look, this love would go away... Nothing done. New hair, new clothes, new shoes, new bills to pay. And the same foolish heart. The same love as always. Annoying thing, right?
Ah, what is it? A love feeling for someone must finish with a new love, right? Look at that cute guy there watching me, the other who writes beautifully, the other makes me laugh a lot, and there is also that one with a firm hand. Nothing... None of them was able to save myself, to replace my tired heart cells always feeling that same love. None was able, even for a second, to take me to visit other torments...
or other joys... Whatever!
Then, a brilliant idea came to my mind... If I dive head into the stupidity of that love, won't it cure me? If  I , just for a minute, stopped feeling all this within me, the grandiosity that I invented for it all, if I could see  closely that everything is rough and small, would I not cure me? Only got worse.... 
Facing it and all I have found so absurd about everything, I can only feel even more love! This is crazy!
And as more and bigger reasons he and life give me not to feel it ... Guess what? Yes, love grows... Irresponsible, without food, without hope and of an enormous stupidity. Still, strong and growing.
But this love, oh this weird love feeling is not of who loves life. If one day, one day, I can actually go away from everything that makes me remember him... Wow! this obsessive  love will go away, of course... 
Nothing done... I'm here,  thanks to my higher quality: faith. Yes, it just does not work for this love, but for all the rest of the events of my life, believing always worked. 
Everything is alright with my life! Or... almost everything... I still feel this ridiculous love! 
This infernal thing that wins me every day, every minute. Many good "contacts" admire me and praise me! I am glad that someone besides me believes in me. It's so much good stuff going on... so many good people approaching that it is time to wake up! 
To be able to see... to be able to receive.....

That's it! Ok! Love won... You won! Won! Won! 
And I have just found out, simple like that, the only way to get rid of this feeling: accepting it... Stop wanting to beat it... 
I love you... maybe 4ever... I love you in the most obvious way: I love you "stupid"..."fool"... "blind"...
But even so I go on being happy and living my life... without you...
Fuck this crazy love! And fuck you Whoever...

text by: Tati Bernardi

http://youtu.be/TKe8sWZkbTo

The art of being happy

There was a time that my window was open
to a city that seemed to be made of chalk.
Near the window was a small almost dry garden.
It was a time of drought, the ground was crumbled,
and the garden looked dead.
But every morning there came a man holding a bucket full of water and silently went throwing with his hand a few drops of water on the plants.
It was not a watering... it was a kind of ritual sprinkling, so the garden would not die.
And I looked at the plants, at the man, at  the drops of water that fell from his slender fingers and my heart got completely happy.
Sometimes I open the window and find the jasmine in bloom...
Sometimes I can see thick clouds...
I catch sight of children going to school...
Sparrows hopping over the wall...
Cats that open and close eyes, dreaming of sparrows...
White butterflies, two by two, as reflected in the mirror of the air...
Wasps that always seem to me the characters of a fairytale...
Sometimes, a rooster sings...
Sometimes, an  airplane passes...
Everything is right in its place, fulfilling its destiny...
And I feel completely happy...
But when I speak about these small certain happiness, that are in front of each window, some people say that these things do not exist...
Others say that they exist only in front of my windows... 
And others, finally, the most sensible ones say that we must learn to look in order to see everything as well.

http://youtu.be/ZbZSe6N_BXs

Cecília Meireles

To lay down by your side

How terrible it is to be an animal! A little animal woman. Wear dresses, do the nails, paint the lips, floor stomping lightweight... 
Inside, this animal hungry, desperate, wild, irrational...

Not a good day man... Not a good night... but thank you anyway... 
Why don't you come to tame me? Rip the woman's dress... Rip it!

Kill this hunger that I'm feeling to swallow your ego, to leave you lost, to end with your prepotency, your distant way...

Fuck the false glaze of my nails... 
I have already saved remnants of dead cells from your skin... 
Take this invented color off my mouth, this stupid tone of artificial flower...Make it up full of fresh blood, ajar between a scream and a laugh... 
Take my light and upright way of walking... Bend me, put me in the way you like...

Not good day man! I will bark in your ear if you feel you have the power to hurt me... Why to hurt my heart if you can hurt my uterus? Why dominating my head if you can dominate the small and wrong world I have invented?...

I show myself as a well resolved woman, but inside me there are palpitations, voices of encouragement to the attack... woman's panties marked by so much desire.... 
I need to be taken seriously by myself... I must realize that I am alone, I need to take care of me... I now delay me a little more, just being instinctive...

Looking at you and wanting just to run to your shin like a bitch and bite the entire logic of your coolness...
Wanting to stick you inside me to fill the void of being incomplete...
Life owes me forever, and I owe so much to her...
Wanting to silence the beating of my eager heart with my desperated desire for some minutes of peace...

Forever my silence... of who can not ask, but dies of desire... of who has won, but dies of guilt...

Look at me, give me food that I'm dying... 
Look at me, want me again because I'm fading... 
Or just come and hold me... but forget all those false poems... all those cliché...

And forget all these justifications I give here... 
For a simple desire to lay down by your side...

http://youtu.be/qqTc8BOs9h0

Tati Bernardi

Whoever...The last person in the world

Thia text was written by Tati Bernardes, a brazilian journalist. I read it and decided to translate it to English because those are the words I wish I will tell you the day I forget you, because although I say you will be in my heart "4ever", we all know nothing lasts forever...

But as I am not prepared yet to tell you those words below, they are not for you...yet! 

But I let the text  here for those who wish to tell somebody about that...

When I am able to take you out of my heart, when my mind is free of your delicious voice, and I feel quieter and free from you, and when I am able to vanish and leave you also free from me, read this and enjoy my absence...

I always wanted to understand where all that madness, that excitement I felt came from... 
I have never respected your banality, never understood how I could be so enslaved to a life that , now I can see, meant nothing to me, did not quiet me at all, did not satisfy me, did not plan me, did not end me...

We were with no beginning, no middle, no end, no solution, no reason...

I do not miss your love because it never existed... 
I not even  know what face this love would have. I do not know how it would smell. There is no death for what was never born...

I miss the unintentional destruction that was freezing in your presence(on the video) that now is so insignificant because it was not even you... 
It was Life proving me it was more powerful than me and than my lists of right and wrong... 
It was the Nature proving me it was more obvious than all my beliefs... 
I did not control what I felt for you, I did not accept, did not want and still was daily flooded by a life three hundred times higher than mine. I loved you because of life, not for my sake. And this was beautiful. You were beautiful...

Simply this. You, a person with no poetry, no pain, no words to bear the silence, without a soul to bear just our presence, without time to allow the time to stop... 
You, the person I have still on my mind and taking me away, responsible for all my mornings without hope, without warmth nights, afternoons without beauty...

I miss when the immense distance yet let me watch you by the video, always in a hurry with your perfect shoulders... 
I miss remind that you saw me so much but that you would rather not to see anything, because I was nothing for you... 
I miss your sadness, disguised as arrogance, not realizing, of having neither love nor life, nor patience, nor muscles, nor fear, nor soul enough to hold me by your side...


I promised not to try to understand but just feel, feel again, feel the wish I have always had, the lack of licking your thighs, your smooth skin, your knee, your nape, your navel, your groin, all your dirt. 
I miss the mystery...

The mystery that was loving the last person in the world I should...

http://youtu.be/wRTPwMy3Ge4

http://youtu.be/bzQyzZBMQ8M

http://youtu.be/5NHLsrWAw9k