Sometimes it is inevitable to miss someone and many of these times is not worth it. It's someone who has hurt us, someone who lied, that failed.
He did what was not to be done or simply did not love us as we deserve to be loved...
As it is inevitable to miss, it is also inevitable waste time with thoughts that should be very far apart.
And that question in wonder even until thoughts will harass and take the peace to move forward without that feeling, feeling of missing...
Missing who makes us happy hurts, imagine missing someone who deserves receiving nothing, much less this so good feeling of longing...
Longing comes and hits us until we get tired, and when we get tired of being beaten the scar comes and is effective,but while it does not heal, it hurts... It hurts to cry for the lost time, for the hurt we created in who really loves us, and the regret of having given in to this crazy love , having made all these blunders...
I'm sure it would be better if I had not met some kind of people, not gone to sites of relationships or to have answered emails or even have heard that charming voice...
People feel happy to hurt, they hurt our heart smiling, make we cry and leave us and go away in a flash that makes us think we are the ultimate romantic, the last passionate person...
But now it's too late, all is gone and thankfully what remained was the learning. Mistakes are made once, but the second is stupid and this is a lesson, because no one has the right to come to us smiling and then go away leaving us crying and breathless...
No one can break a heart that always fought to stay whole, no one has the right to minimize our smile...
That's why I go on always smiling, and pray for who has made me cry one day. I ask God to pity this stupid and unfortunate person, ask God that his own love overflows reaching his '' being '' who does not even know what it is to love himself.
I write a paragraph and run to see if "you" are on.
And I write a line and run to see if you have texted a message to me...
Or I do not write anything and also do not run, just let you come here and sit by my side in my thought... And I find myself smiling, alone...
And I find myself not caring about all the rest...
But you know what happens in the meantime?
While I do not move because I am overflowing you from my heart and moving weighs too much?
The world lives. The world turns. Important people sign contracts, earn money. And simple people fighting for a place in a bus, a place in the world. They are all struggling for a better life. They are all doing something more important and more mature than sigh like an idiot and just thinking about you...
I'm very envious of these wonderful, concious people,
evolved and smart who can separate the time to go to a meeting with friends from the time to wish to meet someone who exists only in my dreams...
May come the time for me to prefer receiving a warm hug of somebody who loves me than wishing crazily to hug someone heartless... my longing...
May come the time for me to prefer to look for the word "gloomy" in the dictionary than to be always getting lost in your untrue loving and caring words that never comes out of my mind...
May the time come for me to be entire and the time to pick up my pieces around the world and not waiting for you to send me dismembered signals anymore...
I can not do the right things...
I get confused, mix all, and mess everyhing...
My only question is if I'm the only idiot to do this to me or if...
I'm the only idiot to admit that I do this to myself...
My deepest will now is to disappear ...
To forget you ... To hide myself ...
But at the same time I want to meet you, to kiss you and tell you how much I love you and that you are too important in my life for me to leave ...
I also want to shake you and say that you're a sucker for letting me go and losing me like that ...
But my greatest desire is to forget you ... To delete you from my life ... I know I will never have you...
At the same time, I remember you every morning ... Thinking of you, listening to your voice makes me sleep so better ...
Then I realize: IT'S ME!!! My desires are too bipolar. The only thing that is not bipolar is my deep desire to have you by my side ... To listen to your voice...
To see your true face...
Yes ... I chose you ... among some who wants me, I chose you. You are the one...
You, who never wanted me... who never loved me... But...That's life...
If they gave me the chance to have one last request, I would choose you ...
If life were to end today or a thousand years from now... I would choose you ...
But this game is so tiring... And I am exhausted...
Hey, you fool, can you not look at me with devotion, especially because I'm here almost overwhelmed without your presence?
No, I can not say that...
Hey, old man, can you please hold me as if we're falling off a bridge because I'm here without ground without your presence?
No, I can not say that...
Hey, garbage monster, can you kiss me as a final movie kiss because I'm here without saliva, no air, no life without your presence?
Definitely not... better not say that...
Love can not be asked... It's a pitty...
It's sad to love this much and so much love not be useful. So much love trying to make him happy...
But love, you know, love is not asked.
Love declares...
But do you know what? He knows.. he knows...
He's not just a guy ..
And this guy yes, warms my hands and listen to my insults and wisecracks with the same attachment. He has not left me to rot there where I could not bother. It is different from all that is wrong in my world and other worlds.
I could say that he saved my life if it did not sound so dramatic.
He does not make plans or promises, only surprises, taught me to like surprises. He is different. He's not just a guy.
He hears me as if he understands me, speaks as one who knows what to say and does not say anything often, because he understands the silences... He exists...
I know we would be good friends, good partners, good enemies, but I prefer to be his woman...
And I know that we will be important in the history of each other forever, regardless of whatever is going to happen. Because he is not just a guy...
I do not want just a guy...
And he's everything I want... today...
Here I am in another table with laughter in half... Look to my side and I feel an immense longing, crazy, helpless and even cynical...
Longing for something... or someone, I do not know...
Maybe longing for me, for some true love that lasted a second ...
My friends love me. But do they know that I'm dying of laughing now, but soon I am going to die of crying? It always happens...
And I, again, look to the side dying of longing for this thing I do not know what is. This thing that may be love...
I hate all cheap loves, loves that don't last, and "no loves" that I invented just to skip a week without pain...
Each week without pain that pass, I seem to accumulate a lifetime of pain...
I need to stop, to wait... But loneliness hurts and I go on inventing characters...
I hate my weakness in deceiving me. I invent love, yes, and it hurts to admit it. But it is because I can not stand not putting a face to my longing...
It's all in half, but at least my fantasy is full... while it lasts...
In the rough, dry and quiet end is always the same... I here, wanting to cry, wanting to lie about life just to believe in it...
Then I lie down and think of pretty little things, listening to music...
And before I can realize, I fall asleep...
Tati Bernardi
I'll hold your hand as if to hold the hand of someone who is hung on a rut ... and follow you for days, weeks, months trying to touch your heart until one day I can, but in any way hold you back, though fear of losing you, and never limit you, but cry when you decide to leave ...
And I will wait your changes naturally without forcing you...
I will steal a thousand of kisses of you when you decide to have some fit of anger, try to calm you down and be unable to cause any suffering to you ...
And I will say that you sing bad but as well I will sing with you, thus proving that there are people who sing horribly, and you're not the only one, but I would be willing to listen ...
And when you decide to talk too much, I will lean your head on my shoulder and hear everything you have to say ...
And when we both stumble may we have breath enough not to die of laughing ...
And may you feel you need me, but not only when you need support, but that you feel it even having spent a whole day with me, that you do not see and do not feel the time passing when you are next to me, and that time is never enough when we spend it together...
And may you bear my faults and feel proud of my qualities, and although I do not have an extreme beauty, may I have the power to get you to see that liking someone goes far beyond physical beauty, and also try to somehow (unfortunately only try to) make you to not look in other directions, because your eyes will be always inside mine ...
May I always find you, wherever you are, and may I be your perfection, even being imperfect...
I don't know why I keep coming home wanting to be of someone, even being so close to him...
I'll never understand why even he being exactly what I want and I being exactly what he wants, our accuracies do not work in an account to add...
But then, in a few days .... he will call me, wanting to take that coffee... we both wanting to hide us as always, willing to love each other just while we can not popularize this love...
And I'll accept...
Not because I am an idiot, or because I do not give any value to myself or even because I have nothing better to do. It is not that! This is not true...
It's just because he reminds me the mysteries of life...
Simply because that's how we do with our own existence: we do not understand anything, but we go on insisting...
My will is that he asks me if I want some beer and if I would like to see one of his films stretched in his large pillows...
Once again I wonder how we can make the deepest thing in the world with complete superficiality.
How do you love without love? How is the delivery from inside a prison? I never knew...
It's still too soon and I need love. Just a little bit of love...
I want him to see how much I have changed because of him, in the hope that his frozen laughter comes off automatic and I win a single genuine smile...
Perhaps my love has learned to be less love just to never stop being love...
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