The SCREAM

-I do not know what's happening to me, says the patient to the psychiatrist.
But she knows...
-I do not know if I really like my girlfriend, says one friend to another.
But he knows...
-I do not know if I want to continue with the life I have, I think quietly.
But yes I know...
We know everything we feel because something within us cries. We try to stifle this cry with foolish talk, lucubrations, esotericism, dynamic readings, virtual dating, but no matter the method that we will use to search for a truth that fits in our plans: will be fruitless. The truth is already within, the truth is imposed, speaks louder than us, it SCREAMS!!!
We know if we love someone or not, even if it is written that it is a worthless love, a love that  rejects us, a love that will not result in anything. 
We often divert this love for another love, an acceptable love, easy, serene. 
We can give all the evidence to the world that we do not love that person and that we love the other one, but we know, there inside us, who's in the control of our heart.
The truth screams. Causes fever, is in our eyes, develops ulcers. Our body is the house of truth, come from within all the information that will undergo a special screening: some truths we leave out other imprisons us. But the truth is only one: nobody doubts about himself.
We can spend years dedicating ourselves to a job knowing that it will not bring us emotional reward. 
We can live with a person even though she can not be trusted, and we know that. We do these choices because they are the most sensible or practical, but they do not always agree with the cries from within, those voices that say, go this way, if you prefer, but you were born to go to the opposite way. 
Even happiness, as propagated, may be an alternative option to that we closely desire. We fulfill all the ritual, do everything as expected, and we are happy... wow, how happy we are! 
But  the cry inside: -"you did not want that false happiness, you wanted just to live!
-I do not think I would have the courage to throw it all away...
Yes I do....
-I do not know why I'm like that.
Yes... I know....

Martha Medeiros

Tired

I never give up... I just get tired... 
I have the habit of going all the way, exhausting all possibilities, paying to see. And I do really pay for it! I pay expensive, with interest and installments up, and you know that... But there's no price to leave with my head up and not guilty... without that: 'What if'? 
I complete the route and sometimes I even go in circles, but when I change the way, my dear, it's game over for you. 
While I am complaining for jealousy and longing, everything is alright! Because the day I quietly accept to share you with the world, it's not because I become more understanding, It's because I stop caring... that's enough! 
When I love I care... And I care even too much...
But giving all the time and not receiving back even just a bit baby, is not caring... It's CHARITY!

Leaving in silence

At last I have changed. And this came slowly, because today I realize that some things are not in me anymore, in my heart... And who stole them I'll never know... 
My smile changed and the desire to smile at anyone too.  It was smiling so much gracefully that I paid so dearly for some things that happened to me. 
Some people don't understand a true smile...
Sometimes I catch myself looking around and seeing so many women like me. So much  feeling screaming from shut mouths and dripping from dry skin. 
So many things happen in our lives...
So many people pass by us, but so few people really stay... 
And I know that maybe I had to be sad. Maybe I had to keep wiping tears, hugging the wind and laughing in a vacuum, but the fact is that I can not. I can no longer be sad just to show that one day I was - or thought I had been - happy. 
I learned from my own mistakes that suffering does not make life more poetic, that crying does not relieves our hearts and that begging does not  bring anyone back... 
I also learned that however the most we really want someone, no one is so much worth to the point of making  us not like ourselves anymore... 
I have tried making some people to stay, but nowadays I only wish them to go away once and for all. 
And in the way it must be... in silence...
Thus,  I can pretend they are dead...

Virtual Love and Friendship

I was absolutely rendered by the power of virtual relationships. I believed it is possible to know someone by email or chatting, fall in love with e-mail, hate e-mail, all without ever seeing the person. The words written on the computer are really able to touch our heart. But we never see  the truth.
Seven o'clock on a rainy morning. I did not sleep well at night. Begin to listen to an instrumental sound that makes my emotions to the surface. Go to the computer and start writing for someone special the most intimate things that are in my heart. I even cry... Write again... Look at the rain... Write some more... Send it...
It's eleven o'clock pm in  the same day. My virtual friend is throwing a party. Everyone speaks loudly, laughs a lot, and enjoys the party crazily. He grabs a beer and gives a getaway to the computer. Opens the mail. There he sees my message. A long text he reads in a hurry. Highlights some words: "longing is so ... alone too ... share what I feel ..." how boring... He thinks: I will answer tomorrow... Then he deletes it.
Everybody can write angry, write with pain, write ironically, write hard, write mocking, write rushed, write the obligation, write with ulterior motives. None of this will come across the screen... a hurry, hesitation, sadness... 
The words come unaccompanied. We need to believe that the sender has the talent in passing emotion in each sentence. As very few people have this gift, a sensitive message may be confused with dryness, all because it lacked a pair of eyes looking at you deeply, lacked a voice.
If you come to despise someone, you can write "not want to see you." If you love someone very much, but the lack of harmony comes hurting you, you can write "not want to see you."The same sentence and two different messages. Written words are only summaries of our deep feelings, feelings that need to be explained more than a subject, a verb and a predicate. They need to touch, sight, hearing. 
Virtual love is cool, but the keyboard still does not account for certain subtleties.

Martha Medeiros

Love

We have the habit of thinking that love is something that we shall seek. We seek love in bars, we seek love on the Internet, we seek love at the bus stop. 
As in a game of hide and seek, seek the love that is hidden inside the clubs, in classrooms, in audiences to theaters. It certainly is there, we can almost smell it, we need just to discover it and grab it as soon as possible, because we were taught that only love can build up, only love saves, only love brings happiness.

Love is not a medicament. If you are depressed, anxious or hysterical too, love does not come near, and if it does, will frustrate your expectation, because love wants to be received with health and lightness, it does not support the idea of being eaten every four hours as an antibiotic to fight bacteria of loneliness and lack of self-esteem. You've heard many times someone say, "when I least expected it, when I had given up looking, love appeared." Of course, love is not silly, want to be treated well, so we shall pick people who, first of all, deal well of themselves.

Love, contrary to popular belief, do not have to come before everything: before stabilizing professional career, before traveling the world, to enjoy life. It is not a guarantee that, from its inception, everything else will work. We want to love as a prerequisite for success in other sectors, when, in fact, love expects first you be happy only then appear before you without mask and without fantasy. This is the condition. Take it or let it go.

For those who think this is blackmail, I risk and dare to act in defense of love: being happy is a reasonable requirement and is not a so complicated task. Happy are those who learn to manage their conflicts, which accept their mood swings, which give the best of themselves and do not scourge because of the mistakes they make. Happiness is serenity. It has nothing to do with swimming pools, cars and much less with Prince Charming. 
Love is the prize for relaxing...

Martha Medeiros

So good

Have you already laughed like a silly? 
Have you already danced with so much joy that you look like an idiot? 
Have you already slept moaning of longing? 
Do you know how to take a bath smiling to your skin? 
To sing loudly to the world understand you?
Do you know how to feel yourself  beautiful even wearing pajamas and with dark circles? 
Have you already wanted to vomit of emotion 2 seconds before meeting your love,  and to have hunger of living seconds after hugging him? 
Do you know how to handle this? 
Do you know how to overfly the cold, the gray, the fears, the mistakes and all that can go wrong? 
He can make me forgive me for just living without questioning so much. 
I want to stop with all this... 
He is just a young guy who can not keep up with my crazy line of reasoning,  half poet,  half neurotic, mature. 
I want to put an end to this torment of desiring so much who still has so much to desire all around in his young life...
And then I ask myself: what for? It has been so good, so simple... 
He taught me that life can be simple and... good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKEuOO0lQPc

Tati Bernardi

The last plea

Do not let it break... 

Don't let it become aged and forgotten. Run and paste the pieces, run and hold my feet on the ground because I'm almost flying, or make me fly again with you. 

Please do not expect the sandwich or the party of the year, and my scared face lost in your absence.

Come soon, bring back my certainty, do not leave, please do not leave. 

Bring me a wrap to warm my lack of love and win a ticket for my loyalty in exchange.

Do not expect the free transit time, do not wait to hear what you do not want, do not expect life to turn into shit and then to blame it.

I'm still here for you, clean, unharmed, yours... 

But every inch of my body begs me for life, for magic, for enchantment. 

Please kidnap me, do not leave, do not forget our pact of love...

The other day I heard the music "Love me Tender" and remembered how much I loved you, how much I still love you, but had almost forgotten. 

I remembered your voice on the phone and how you used to make me feel in the paradise.

I need strength, I need help, I need you to remind me that I do not need anything else, nothing else is so perfect and that we can be an unbeatable couple.

If all this is a conscious work to lose me, congratulations, you're getting it. 

But if there is still some feeling within you, I need you to talk to me and hold me me too and make me feel good again. 

It's easy... you have just to want... I still want so much...

Come now, do not wait the longing, the regret, the emptiness. 

I need to feel that you still feel.  I need to give your heart a shock on my own, I need to know if your chest tightens even a little when I'm gone and spreads like butterflies in the veins when I arrive.

I still need you to tell me i am beautiful, that you surprise me , celebrate me and forget a little of everything else to be enchanted without fear of time.

Do not take me the reason, do not take me the honor, do not make me destroy all this feeling for you, just to feel the wind in my face again and the soft music in my ears...  

Cry out and blow your love in me while you can...

I still want to live for you... 

Come now, win the race, spend the rest behind... 

It's you I keep waiting 4ever in the final line.

http://youtu.be/Dk1ZAw1C-Es

Tati Bernardi

Bored with happiness

I looked at his tattoo and at the size of his strong arm and at the calluses of his hands and I thought it would be all right. I always liked bad boys...I filled my heart with hope but...nothing. 
He comes and treats me so well... He breaks my hopes. Mania to be good boy. So boring...
I never wanted to hear that he only has eyes for me, ok? Nor how good son he is. Much less how much he loves children... And I wish he stops this horrible habit of leaving his friends when I call him and he comes running to me! Come on!!!
I don't want him to be so kind to me! It's so easy to get me... He has just to do everything to lose me...
And here he comes to say that my dirty hair has good smell. And as I did not care and did not answer, he went to sleep. 
And he always says that just holding my hand is enough to make him happy! And he says that if he were traveling without me it would have no sense. And that it's okay if I just want to be writing or reading and do not open my mouth...
With so much potential to end with my life, do you know what he wants? Make me happy! Look what a disgrace!!! The guy wants to make me happy! And to finish with my wonderful feeling of being so miserable. And take away the only thing I can do well in this life that is suffering... Years of improvement and he wants to change the whole scheme. The boy wants to make me happy. Can I handle this??? No way.
It should have chain for this type of harmful element. The worst is that it makes us addicted. Can you believe  I woke up this morning feeling myself important? Now, if people treat me bad I do not permit. Now if someone hurts me I hurt him back. 
I begin to think that I deserve to be loved... 
Tell me if this is possible! 
Years in serving as a doormat, and even enjoying it, and there comes an unsuspecting guy with the most amazing thigh, and eyes and lips in the world and changes everything. I'm whistling until now. What a disgrace!!!
Yesterday he almost, almost, almost treated me badly. It was very close. I felt that the thing was coming. I crossed my fingers. I even beg to chance. Go baby! Just a little! Call me names!!! Give me a stronger arm tight! Talk about another woman you like. Go to meet some friends and leave me  by the time I was talking about my fears... Tell me to shut up! I do not know. Do something man!
But it was a joke. He was just kidding me. He was not mad with me. And that was all... 
Then he came again with that boring talk that he loves me and started being so sweet again. What a man! Kissing me all the time! So annoying...
My mother should take me home, to protect me. Whatever! 
How is it possible to have such a man by my side? The man is always seeking me, waits for me at the door, opens the door of the car. Sometimes holds me and suspends me in the air and speaks 456 praises in less than five seconds!
To make matters worse, he still has the worst of humanity's defects: he forgot his ex girlfriend. After so many years relating me only with men obsessed with old loves, now appears to me one so obsessed with me that not even remembers  the name of the former lover. Tell me, is it a joke with me or not? How am I going to suffer in such a situation? How? Tell me?
I sleep like a charm. My skin is amazing. Hunger returned. Life is an odd bummer... 
Can someone please help me? Is there therapy to try to be unhappy again?
The other day I even pinched myself in the arm to suffer a little... 
But my bastard loving baby ran to me to blow my arm and gave me a kiss...

http://youtu.be/ar_KkUI75Q0?list=PLheJLesLrJ5fy9zlQXOy0BpynRJ1rv1Fa

Tati Bernardi