I always thought that love was something of who had nothing better to do and that I was feeling it because of my quiet life. Just for that.
Then I decided to stir my quiet life. And I started to go more outdoors , seeing people around me, more travel, more parties...
Love is something of quiet people and now I had a busy life, would finally send that love away...
Bye foolish feeling!
Nothing done. Only got worse. I woke up and went to sleep with him on my mind. I was unresigned.
But then I concluded: Love is something for who has available time to think about it. Of course, even being busy with my work, I used to stay at home the whole weekend, claiming tiredness, in the silence of my stuff, and of course thinking bullshit. That story about an "unoccupied mind is the Devil's House" , you know? Devil's Love! Then I went looking for praying...
After praying for many days to forget him, I thought everything would be fine. Got nothing. I just stopped dreaming that I would put fire in his apartment and that I would tore the eyes of all women in the world. But perhaps I stopped... hating love.
But love actually stayed here, into my heart. As hard as a stone.
"It is a Teenage love", I wondered...
If I become a "woman", this silly love will finish. Love of silly "girl". Then I tried to become a "woman"... Maybe changing my look, this love would go away... Nothing done. New hair, new clothes, new shoes, new bills to pay. And the same foolish heart. The same love as always. Annoying thing, right?
Ah, what is it? A love feeling for someone must finish with a new love, right? Look at that cute guy there watching me, the other who writes beautifully, the other makes me laugh a lot, and there is also that one with a firm hand. Nothing... None of them was able to save myself, to replace my tired heart cells always feeling that same love. None was able, even for a second, to take me to visit other torments...
or other joys... Whatever!
Then, a brilliant idea came to my mind... If I dive head into the stupidity of that love, won't it cure me? If I , just for a minute, stopped feeling all this within me, the grandiosity that I invented for it all, if I could see closely that everything is rough and small, would I not cure me? Only got worse....
Facing it and all I have found so absurd about everything, I can only feel even more love! This is crazy!
And as more and bigger reasons he and life give me not to feel it ... Guess what? Yes, love grows... Irresponsible, without food, without hope and of an enormous stupidity. Still, strong and growing.
But this love, oh this weird love feeling is not of who loves life. If one day, one day, I can actually go away from everything that makes me remember him... Wow! this obsessive love will go away, of course...
Nothing done... I'm here, thanks to my higher quality: faith. Yes, it just does not work for this love, but for all the rest of the events of my life, believing always worked.
Everything is alright with my life! Or... almost everything... I still feel this ridiculous love!
This infernal thing that wins me every day, every minute. Many good "contacts" admire me and praise me! I am glad that someone besides me believes in me. It's so much good stuff going on... so many good people approaching that it is time to wake up!
To be able to see... to be able to receive.....
That's it! Ok! Love won... You won! Won! Won!
And I have just found out, simple like that, the only way to get rid of this feeling: accepting it... Stop wanting to beat it...
I love you... maybe 4ever... I love you in the most obvious way: I love you "stupid"..."fool"... "blind"...
But even so I go on being happy and living my life... without you...
Fuck this crazy love! And fuck you Whoever...
text by: Tati Bernardi
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